Seeing Right Through
by LyricalMedley
Summary: Saving Athur had taken more of a toll on Merlin then he let on. And Gaius can see right through Merlin's facade. *SPOILERS* - Takes place during SEASON 5 (in between episode 7 and 8)


Gaius awoke with a start. Holding his breath he listened for anything out of the ordinary. He was almost sure he'd heard something coming from where Merlin slept. Glancing over to the window, Gaius was glad for the full moon that shone through with brilliant beams, filling the room. Terror began to creep through as his mind began to wonder the many possibility's that could play out. And Gaius had a feeling this had some thing to do with Merlin. More so, something to do with Merlin's magic.

It was only hours earlier that the prince had awoken from his deep slumber. Gaius shuddered as he remembered seeing a flash of sheer exhaustion and fear pass over Merlin's once his magic had come to full fruition. Arthur had awoken because Merlin had used magic to heal the prince of the ramped poison that had been rendered. Gaius gasped as he realized, Merlin had used more magic then he knew he had. Gaius also wondered if he had really seen Merlin gasp whilst trembling violently, or if that was just his imagination playing tricks on him. Gaius cursed himself, as he realized Merlin's magic had grown in power right before his eyes. And if he'd learnt anything about his ward, it was that while Merlin was indeed a force to be reckoned with, that power came at a price.

Gaius sat up and rose from his cot. Slowly, he made his way over to the stair case and made his way to the door. As he placed his ear next to the door, he suddenly became aware that he could hear Merlin breathing very loudly. Almost with out notice, he heard a whimper escape the young warlocks lips. Slowly he opened the door. The moment he saw Merlin's current state, a trembling sob fell from his lips.

"Merlin..." Gaius stammered, making his way over to the warlock.

Upon hearing Gaius, Merlin moaned deeply. He really hadn't wanted to awaken Gaius. But as his magic seemed to grow whilst draining him of all his strength, he knew that he should tell his mentor. Merlin cursed himself for always seeming to get into trouble. He didn't actually mind the trouble himself. It was the strain it put on Gaius that put a greater fear in him. So when felt his magic growing, to the point where his stomach began to lurch ominously, he fought every urge to cry out.

Gaius stole a moment to take in the sight before his eyes. Merlin sat sideways over the side of his cot, feet flat on the floor. An empty bucket lay between Merlin's legs. Merlin rested his elbows on his legs and cradled his head in his hands. Gaius could see Merlin was fighting the trembling that had taken over, but was failing miserably. Gaius knew the tell tale signs.

Before Merlin could react, he felt Gaius sit next to him. It was at that exact moment a surge of magic coursed through the young warlocks veins. Merlin yelped, as he felt his whole body tense. Gaius wrapped his hands around Merlin's shoulders as he saw him lurch forward. Merlin hid his face further in his hands as he shook his head.

"Merlin...?" Gaius soothed.

Hot tears began to gather in Merlin's eyes as he felt the magic radiate through his entire frame. He knew it was only a matter of time before the small amount of supper he had downed wouldn't be in his stomach any longer. More then that, he hated that he was yet again causing Gaius to worry.

"You...shouldn't have to be herr-" Merlin mumbled softly.

Gaius shivered upon hearing Merlin's weak voice. He held Merlin's shoulder tighter. Hearing Merlin's voice, Gaius sighed heavily. He should've known Merlin would have tried to hide this.

"Merlin, when did you first fall ill?" Gaius asked.

Merlin shook his head.

"Please Merlin..." Gaius pleaded.

Merlin's shoulders started to shake, as he recounted the moment his magic had healed Arthur. His whole body was radiating magic, and it wasn't until he heard Arthur mumble Gaius's name that he realized his magic was causing his stomach to churn. That whole night he had tossed and turned in the cell. The damp air, and the molding pillars didn't help either. He had done everything in his mind to convince himself that he was feeling just fine. Merlin had continued carrying on that farce as he spoke with Arthur later that day, and carried it on until that evening. When Gaius ladled the soup into his bowl, it had almost been too much for Merlin. He hadn't wanted to offend Gaius's cooking, or let on that he wasn't feeling well. Merlin had gone to bed soon after finishing his super. He had waited until he was sure Gaius was asleep, to finally give in to his body's impatient promptings to heave.

"Arthur..." Merlin mumbled.

"You-" Gaius started.

Gaius took in a deep breath. Merlin didn't need a lecture from him at this moment. He needed to be cared for. He need a physician. Gaius realized that this wasn't the first time Merlin hadn't let on about something that was troubling him. Sighing, he reached over and began to rub Merlin's back. He flinched when Merlin tensed even more. Gaius gasped as he heard Merlin's stomach churn loudly. A whimper fled from the young warlock.

"Out with it..." Gaius encouraged.

Merlin shook his head ardently.

"Gaius..." Merlin rasped.

Gaius could see that Merlin was fighting the urge to heave as he spoke. He already had a feeling he knew what Merlin was about to say.

"I'm fine...Go back to bed..." Merlin stammered.

"Lair!" Gaius retorted.

A wave of nausea swept over Merlin at that very moment. He lurched forward placing his head between his legs. His legs started to tremble as he could feel himself starting to loose control.

"Merlin, if you hold off the inevitable any longer..." Gaius said, his voice trailing off.

Gaius held his tongue as he saw Merlin start to tremble again. He winced as he saw Merlin's legs began to shake. Merlin's foot began to tap on the floor as the shaking seemed to grow stronger. Merlin began to breath nervously as he felt his stomach heave. Gaius gasped out loud as Merlin's whole frame grew taught. Placing each hand on Merlin's shoulder's, he pushed Merlin's frame downward.

Merlin closed his eyes as his whole frame seemed to tense with the heaves. Suddenly he lurched even farther as he felt the sick make it's way up. With every heave, Merlin could feel his magic surging in tandem. He could feel Gaius's hands trembling as he held fast to his shoulder's. As the heaves continued Merlin couldn't help the groans that fell from his lips. Merlin was unaware of how much time had passed when he felt his stomach finally calm himself. Merlin inwardly chided himself for not giving into his body's need to expel earlier. Suddenly, Merlin felt so much better. His shoulders shook as exhaustion seemed to take over.

"Easy...Merlin..." Gaius soothed.

Looking into the bucket, Merlin groaned. Gaius reached over and started to take the bucket.

"Gaius!" Merlin yelped, finally looking to his mentor.

"I'll do...this!"

"You most certainly will not!" Gaius answered forcefully.

"You're ill Merlin. You must rest."

Merlin placed a trembling hand atop the bucket. His eyes caught Gaius's glare for a moment before staring down into the bucket. Gaius gasped as he saw Merlin's eyes glow for a moment and then turn back to their original blue. Glancing down, Gaius gasped as he could see the contents that had been in the bucket where no longer there. Glancing up, Gaius saw Merlin had closed his eyes. Shaking his head, Gaius took the bucket from Merlin and set it on the floor. Turning he wrapped his arms around Merlin. Gaius winced as he felt Merlin shudder. He then realized how badly Merlin was shaking.

"Merlin?" Gaius asked softly.

Merlin sat up and looked to Gaius.

"What...happened?" Gaius asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Some...something happened to me Gaius..." Merlin began.

"When I healed Arthur...I...I've never...had to search that deep with in myself to find the strength to summon my magic..."

Gaius watched Merlin as he spoke. He felt his chest start to ache as he saw Merlin pull his lips in. Leaning in, Gaius tried to read the look that had befallen upon Merlin. It was then that Gaius noticed the tears that were pooling in Merlin's eyes.

"There...There now..." Gaius soothed, wrapping and arm around Merlin.

"Merlin...what's wrong?"

Merlin turned away as he tried to stifle the sob that escaped his throat. He knew right from the moment the magic had entered into Arthur what had happened. He didn't want to tell Gaius either, for fear he would yet again disappoint the old man. Merlin buried his face in his hands as the tears began to fall.

"Merlin!" Gaius stammered.

"Please...tell me what's troubling yuh-"

"I wasn't ready Gaius!" Merlin interrupted sharply, raising his head and looking to Gaius.

"You weren't rea-" Gaius questioned.

Merlin burst into tears before Gaius could finish his question. Gaius sighed heavily, and pulled Merlin's shuddering frame into a fatherly hold. Merlin leaned in and buried his face in Gaius's shoulder. Gaius patted Merlin's back gingerly as he tried to ease the warlocks lamentations. Gaius gasped as Merlin's shoulders shook vehemently as it seemed Merlin was more distraught then he'd let on. Gaius looked down and saw Merlin was trying to hold in his anguish, but was failing miserably. Merlin always did seem to underestimate the physicians intuition when it came to assessing another's state of being.

"You..weren't...ready?" Gaius asked gently, his voice breaking.

Merlin cried harder.

"Shhhh...Never you mind Merlin..." Gaius soothed.

Merlin pulled away and looked up. His face was a wash with tear streaks, and Gaius noticed just how exhausted Merlin looked. Merlin shook his head as his gaze fell down to the floor.

"It was...too...suh..soon Gaius." Merlin stuttered, his voice hitching.

"Too soon?" Gaius asked.

"Gaius?" Merlin asked, looking serious.

Gaius saw several more tears roll down Merlin's cheek as he spoke.

"It almost didn't work..." Merlin stated.

"What almost didn't work?" Gaius asked.

"Saving Arthur." Merlin stammered.

Gaius gasped as he saw Merlin's chin quiver.

"Oh Merlin..." Gaius breathed.

Merlin sunk forward and placed his arms across his knee's. He didn't fight the tears as he buried his head in the crook of his arms. Gaius sighed heavily, and took hold of Merlin's shoulder's. Steadily he pulled Merlin up. Merlin looked away from Gaius as the tears continued to stream downward.

"The important thing is..." Gaius began.

"Is that you _did save Arthur_."

"But that's just it!" Merlin bemoaned.

Turning to Gaius, Merlin couldn't help but shivered as he spoke. He could feel his magic growing steadily.

"Gaius, don't you understand?" Merlin asked.

"All I understand is that you are destined to be the greatest warlock of all time!" Gaius yelled.

"Some warlock I turned out to be!" Merlin chided.

"The greatest idiot Camelot has ever known!"

Gaius saw the frown etch itself upon Merlin's face. He felt his heart break for Merlin as he saw what feared Merlin the most. Gaius suddenly realized that he had never actually asked Merlin how it felt when he summoned his magic. He had always assumed that Merlin had a handle on how his magic affected him.

"Merlin!" Gaius spat.

"Why would you say that!?"

"Because Gaius!" Merlin yelled, his voice breaking.

"I should've been ready! I should've been doing more to gain better control on my magic. And the one moment I needed it to save Arthur, it wasn't there. I had to force my magic to grow!"

Gaius ex-hailed forcefully, as he _finally _understood _why_ Merlin was so upset. Gaius sighted heavily as he spoke to Merlin.

"Merlin...?" Gaius asked tenderly, reassuring Merlin with a gentle squeeze on his shoulder.

" I hope you know that..."

Gaius paused as he felt a wave of sheer emotion envelope him. He cleared his throat loudly as he tried to find the words. Merlin looked at him squarely as he heard the physicians voice break. Upon seeing the sorrow begin to etch upon Gaius's face, Merlin felt his own throat burn with tears. Merlin swallowed loudly as he waited for Gaius to continue. After several attempts to utter a single word, any word really, Gaius spoke.

"I hope you know that...No matter _what_ happens...Merlin...The one thing you will _never be_...is a ...a...failure." Gaius spoke, his voice wavering.

Merlin put his hands to his mouth, as a sob broke free. His gaze fell down to the floor as he began to cry. His head shook slowly as his shoulder's began to shudder.

"Do you _hear me_ Merlin!?" Gaius yelled sternly.

Merlin's head shot up at the sound of Gaius's harsh tone. Gaius was staring straight at him with his eyebrows raised as if to taunt Merlin to refute his admonishment.  
"But-" Merlin protested.

"No Merlin! I will _not allow this_." Gaius answered.

"I will not allow you to continue down this path of self loathing!"

Merlin's shoulders sank as he sighed heavily. Gaius shook Merlin slightly as he smiled kindly. A tear fell down Merlin's cheek as he nodded slowly. Gaius patted Merlin's knee, and rose to a stand.

Merlin began to shiver as his gaze followed Gaius as he wondered down the stairs. With out warning, Merlin felt a wave of magic jolt through his weary frame. His arms and legs began to shudder ardently on their own accord, as Merlin slipped off the bed onto the floor. His body landed with a rather loud thud, as he continued to shake. Merlin closed his eyes as the surge of magic intensified. Merlin's strength was reaching it's limit as he fought to keep his head from hitting the floor. With out warning, Merlin gasped as he felt strength give out. He grimaced as his head began to hit the floor in an almost rhythmic succession.

Gaius was almost to the fireplace when he heard Merlin topple to the floor. Turning suddenly, he gasped as he saw Merlin laying on the floor. He felt his whole body freeze to the spot in horror as he saw Merlin's whole frame start to thrash about. His legs groaned as he beckoned them to move faster as he then sprinted for the stair case. As he made the last step he saw Merlin's head hit the floor.

"Merlin!" Gaius gasped.

Gaius dove down and quickly took Merlin's head in his hands. He placed Merlin's head on his lap. Merlin began to whimper as his body continued to convulse wildly. Gaius could see Merlin's face was turning red as he fought the urge to cry out.

"Merlin, can you hear me?" Gaius yelled, placing a hand on Merlin's shoulder.

Merlin's face contorted as it looked like he was trying to reply, but no words came forth. Merlin groaned loudly as he reached up and grabbed Gaius's hand and pulled it down, placing it across his chest. Gaius didn't fight the tears that fell as he felt Merlin then hold tight to his arm. Suddenly, Merlin arched his back in agony as the magic seemed to give one final surge. Merlin took in a long raspy breathe and collapsed, both arms falling to his side.

"Merlin!?" Gaius panicked, placing his hand on Merlin's neck.

Gaius breathed a sigh of relief as he felt a steady pulse beneath his fingers. Glancing down he saw Merlin was breathing steadily. Grunting, Gaius reached forward and took the blanket off of Merlin's bed. Folding it, Gaius moved and placed Merlin's head atop the blanket. Gaius rose and gathered two more blankets and draped them over the slumbering warlock.

Gaius took in a deep breathe ,and realized he was shaking. Placing his hand on his chest he took several deep breaths. Closing his eyes he willed his racing heart to slow down. Nodding slightly, Gaius felt his pulse slow slightly. Opening his eyes, his gaze fell upon Merlin. Gaius willed the boy to wake, but Merlin continued to sleep soundly on the floor. Gaius wondered if he should ask for help in getting Merlin back to his bed but, he didn't want to trouble anyone else. He especially didn't want Arthur seeing Merlin in such a weak state. Gingerly, Gaius slowly turned and headed down the stairs.

The clanging of glass flasks began to ring in Merlin's ears as he began to come around. He groaned as his his head began to throb. Placing his hand at the base of his head he felt the blanket underneath his head. Turning his head he saw that his door was open, and the faint smell of soup told him that Gaius was preparing dinner. Grunting, Merlin sat up. Immediately he wished he hadn't sat up so quickly. All senses came roaring back as his whole body seemed to throb in tandem with his head. Falling back, Merlin rested his head upon the makeshift pillow. He couldn't help but curl up, putting his knee's to his chest as he cradled his head. Merlin focused on his breathing as the pain seemed to ebb and flow.

Gaius was pacing in front of the fireplace, when he heard a small whimper waft down the stair case. Turning, he saw Merlin had moved and was now cradling his head in his hands. As quick as his saged frame would allow, Gaius bounded up the stair case and fell to his knee's beside Merlin.

"Merlin?" Gaius asked warily, his voice trembling.

"You're awake..."

Merlin's whole body grew taught as the pain ripped through him. He curled up even tighter as his fingers dug into his hair. Gaius leaned forward and placed his hand atop Merlin's shoulder. He flinched when he felt Merlin's body shudder beneath his grasp.

"Easy Merlin..." Gaius soothed.

Merlin grunted and turned his head towards Gaius. Inwardly Merlin tried to stop trembling but his body did not obey. He could barely keep Gaius in focus with his head shaking so badly.

"Do you think you can stand?" Gaius asked worriedly, his brow creasing in concern.

Merlin gave a shaking nod. Gaius then stooped over and took Merlin by the shoulders. Merlin groaned as he rolled over and stood. Gaius caught Merlin as he began to wobble when he found his footing. Gaius helped Merlin take a few tentative steps towards his cot. Merlin turned and sat down on his cot. He was breathing loudly as the pain in his head seemed to protest his new stance. Gaius in-hailed sharply as he saw Merlin begin to kneed his temples.

"Are you in pain?" Gaius asked softly.

Merlin nodded quickly, as a soft whimper fell from his lips. Glancing up he saw Gaius staring at him. Merlin groaned inwardly as he saw the worry that had etched itself upon Gaius's features.

"Where?" Gaius asked.

"Ev...Everywhere..." Merlin stammered, rubbing his head gingerly.

"You hit your head pretty hard Merlin." Gaius stated.

"Gaius?" Merlin asked, looking up towards Gaius.

"I'm...sss...sorry..."

Gaius sat down next to Merlin and placed his arm around Merlin. He shook his head as he spoke.

"Merlin, you've nothing to be-" Gaius started.

"Yes I do Gaius! You shouldn't have to see me...like..._this..." _Merlin interrupted.

Gaius sighed heavily. Every time Merlin fought against Gaius helping him it only made Gaius's respect and fatherly love for the young warlock grow.

"Merlin, don't you dare assume that you are of no value to me!" Gaius yelled.

Merlin glanced over to Gaius. Gaius was serious, but his eyes seemed to boast otherwise. Merlin could see a sheen of tears forming in his mentor's eyes. A sudden wave of exhaustion flooded Merlin's frame as he felt his eyelids growing heavier. Falling sideways, Merlin rested his head upon Gaius's shoulder. Gaius froze for fear he'd upset Merlin. He felt Merlin take in a shuddering breath and looked to the young warlock. Merlin face bore a look of utter pensiveness as he stared at the wall.

"I..know, Gaius..." Merlin stammered, his voice hitching.

"I just can't seem to do anything right anymore..."

Gaius sniffed as he heard Merlin's voice break. He knew Merlin meant well, but it still hurt him to hear his ward speak so ill of himself. Gaius wrapped his arm around Merlin and kept it there for a while.

"Gaius?" Merlin asked.

"Yes Merlin?" Gaius answered, cursing inwardly as his voice trembled.

"You ok?" Merlin asked.

Gaius sighed heavily. Merlin sat up, and looked to his mentor. He could see the obvious struggle as Gaius fought to keep his grief hidden. Gaius could not bring himself to meet Merlin's gaze. He pinched the bridge of his nose to halt the tears that had begun to gather. Merlin tut tutted, as he wrapped his arms around Gaius. Gaius's shoulder's shook as he felt Merlin's trembling arms envelop him. He winced as he felt Merlin was still shaking badly, but the grief seemed to have a mind of it's own.

Gaius sobbed silently as he returned the embrace. Wrapping his arms around Merlin's shoulder's he held tightly. Merlin gasped as he felt Gaius hold him tighter then he ever had. Merlin shivered as he felt Gaius's whole frame start to shudder.

"Gaius!" Merlin exclaimed, worry lacing his tone.

"Oh no...What've I-"

Gaius pulled away, and turned his gaze. He Quickly dried his eyes with his sleeve, not wanting Merlin to see his tears. He uttered a sob as the shock in Merlin's panicking voice rang in his ears. He knew he had to keep it together for Merlin's sake. Turning to Merlin he spoke softly, but his voice was still trembling.

"Merlin...I..I don't know what came over me...I...I" Gaius stammered, shaking his head.

"You haven't done anything my boy..."

Merlin nodded vigorously as the tears welled in his eyes.

"Yes I _have_ Gaius!" Merlin yelled.

"I'm always doing something I oughtn't."

Gaius froze as he saw something in Merlin's eyes he had only seen a handful of times. Fear had begun to work it's way into Merlin's veins as he started to breathe loudly.

"It's a wonder you're still alive Gaius!" Merlin yelled.

"It's a wonder I haven't killed you yet..."

"Merlin!" Gaius chided, taking Merlin by the shoulder's.

"Will you just sto-"

"Or Arthur...or Gwen...or my mother or"

"MERLIN!" Gaius boomed.

Merlin jumped as he heard Gaius yell the loudest he'd ever heard the physicians yell.

"Will you just _stop_?" Gaius yelled.

Merlin swallowed nervously.

"Merlin...You're...yuh-" Gaius stammered, unable to finish the sentence.

"Gaius..." Merlin whimpered.

Gaius looked Merlin straight in the eye as fought to rein in the emotions that were quelling from with in. Merlin gasped as he saw Gaius's chin quiver.

"Ev...Vry ill work...you speak...too...towards yourself...Merlin.." Gaius stammered, his voice hitching.

Merlin in-hailed sharply as he head the break in Gaius's voice. An obvious strain worked it's way onto Gaius's face as tried to form the words.

"It...it...buh..._breaks my heart, so_."

The moment Merlin heard Gaius speak of his heart ache, Merlin could no longer fight the sorrow. Merlin uttered a heart wrenching sob as he looked away from Gaius. Merlin's whole body grew taught as the sobs seemed to tear straight through him. Gaius could see Merlin was mouthing and apology, but could not utter the phrase.

"Merlin.." Gaius whispered wistfully.

Merlin looked up and held his breath. His eyes darted back and forth as they searched Gaius's gaze for any sign of anger. Gaius nodded slowly and spread his arms wide. Merlin fell forward and burst into tears a new.

"I'm..suh-" Merlin stuttered.

Gaius peered down at Merlin.

"I'm...so.._sorry Gaius..." _Merlin sobbed.

"Oh..Merlin..." Gaius answered softly.

"It's all right...It's all right."

"It's just...just..." Merlin stammered, more tears falling.

"Just what?" Gaius asked.

"It's hard...for me tuh-" Merlin spoke, stopping half way.

Merlin sighed heavily, and dried his eyes with his sleeve. He looked to Gaius and shrugged, while forcing a smile. Merlin rolled his eyes and shook his head, not wanting to continue. Gaius placed a hand on Merlin's shoulder. Sighing, Gaius shook his head jokingly.

"Merlin, you may _think_ you're protecting me by hiding your troubles from me..."Gaius stated.

He shook Merlin's shoulder lightly before continuing.

"But Merlin?" Gaius asked.

"You don't have to brave... for me"

Merlin sobbed as he that Gaius truly meant what he said. Merlin looked down as he felt another tear fall down his cheek.

"You always _did_ know what I was thinking..." Merlin quipped, as he wiped the tear away.

Gaius chucked deeply, and nodded.

"I _truly want_ to hear what's on your mind Merlin..." Gaius encouraged.

Merlin sighed and rolled his eyes, as a smile began to tug at the corners of his mouth. He couldn't help but chuckle as he realized just how hard he had tried to hide so much from Gaius for fear or worrying the poor physician to death. Merlin realized that his efforts proved more then naught, to be utterly futile. For Gaius was not just an _ordinary physician. _Gaius had become much _more _than a father to him.

Gaius had learned a lot in his prime, but it wasn't until later in life that he learned how far his skills extended. For it wasn't until a tall lithely young warlock stumbled into his chambers that Gaius sensed a change. As time wore on Merlin became more and more, the son Gaius had never had.

As Gaius thought back to the day Merlin had come into his humble abode and saved his life, he realized that he had seen Merlin for who he was at that very moment. Gaius realized that he was no longer the same physician he was when Merlin came to Camelot. Gaius realized that Merlin had changed him. Gaius felt his chest swell with pride as he realized Merlin had indeed, made him a better man.


End file.
